It Takes A Village

Sorry about the delay between posts. Life got all…lifey. Go figure, right?

After my initial appointment with the infertility doc and her vampiric practice (eleven vials of blood…I’m pretty sure she’s feeding her habit), I made an appointment with a social worker at my doctor’s request. Now, remember, Kaiser Permanente is my medical provider. They’re all about preventative care, which is something I appreciate. In this case, the idea is to make sure I’ve thought of all the basics and that I know what my resources are.

What are the basics of deciding to have a baby? Well, money, for one. But we’ve talked about this. I don’t have a lot of it. However, lots of people have raised amazing children on much less than I have. I do have a steady and secure job with reasonable prospects for bettering my position. I’m also an author. Self-published, but hey, it pays a few bills. Curious? Check me out: Kristina M. Sanchez on Amazon.

People keep asking me what I’m going to do about child care, and I don’t get the point of that question. Day Care was always going to be a reality for my child. Even if I had a choice—which I don’t—day care would be the way to go. Mommy has writing to do, kiddo. I’m one of those people who doesn’t think that’s a bad thing. My kid knowing they can rely on someone other than Mommy? I’m okay with it. Here’s the only thing I know about who’s going to take care of my kid while I’m at work: he or she is going to love Baby. Not like me. No one is going to love this kid like their mother, but they’re going to be well cared for. Just don’t ask me about the money, because I have no idea yet.

The social worker asked about my support system.

Meet the family

This is my mother. My mother is a rock-star. This is a chick who, in the sixties, fought the State of California when they said she couldn’t have a promotion because she was a woman and won. We have our moments. What child doesn’t have a complex relationship with their parent? But my mother is aces. Boy or girl, I want my kid to grow up like my mother: strong, fierce, independent, and always able to pick herself up when the world pushed her down. Despite significant struggle, my mother has raised three children, is well traveled, and has always had an interesting career. One of the reasons I’m so keen on having my children now is so that they’ll get to know their grandma.

My siblings

RJ, my baby brother. No one believes he’s my little brother. They all think he’s older. I’m proud of this kid, man. He works hard, and he’s accomplished so much. And he’s the funniest person I know. We fight like cats and dogs, but at the end of the day, I know I can count on him when the going gets rough. Plus, I’m depending on him to take Baby shopping. Trust me, he has a better fashion sense, boy or girl.

Adriana, my little sister. RJ’s wife. Sweeter than pan dulce. I have no idea why this chick hangs out with a guy like my brother, but I’m glad she does. She’s been my cheerleader through all of this. Always sunny, always kind, always supportive. I lost my biological sister when I was nineteen, and I missed that sisterly bond until Adriana came around. I’m glad she’ll be here with me.

My Baby Daddy

Don’t ever let people tell you the Internet is no place to make good friends. That’s a bunch of bologna.

So, I’m hanging out in a chat room one day (a chat room about a mutual interest, not romance) and I meet this woman. The woman who would become my Melly. Fast forward years later, and she’s my best friend. We travel together and see each other often despite the fact she’s a NorCal girl.

Why is she my baby daddy? Well, that’s what I call the person who provided the sperm. I have no idea why she loves me that much. It’s overwhelming. But I know I’ve made a friend for life, and my baby will have something more than an auntie. They will have a Melly.

Dear Baby,

The social worker asked if I had any male influences for you. It was important, she said, for a child to have positive male and female influences.

I guess now is a good time to tell you, your momma has opinions. What that means for you, is you’re not going to get to just accept popular opinion. Question everything, little one. Think about everything people say, everything that seems ‘normal’, everything you read, and everything you hear. Which doesn’t mean to be skeptical—though a healthy dose of skepticism won’t go amiss—but to be aware. The world is not a two-sizes-fits-all place.

Ugh. I can already see teenage you rolling your eyes. I know, Baby. It’s going to get tiring. I feel you.

Here’s the thing that gets me about her question. I’m a sociologist, and I know that gender is a spectrum. Sex is a spectrum too, by the way. I can’t figure out why anyone would think seven billion people would fit into one of two categories.

What makes a good male role model? Do you have to have a good role model in your life that has a penis? What if I exhibit a lot of traditionally male traits? Do I count as both your primary male and female role models? If there was not an adequate role model in your life who happens to have a penis, does that mean you won’t be well-rounded?

Why is this penis, or lack thereof, so important?! I don’t understand.

I’ll tell you what, when you have questions about how to do your hair all pretty, what shoes to wear, all that traditionally girly stuff, I’m sending you straight to your aunt. I’m useless with that stuff. I own dresses, but I don’t like wearing them.

The world isn’t black or white, baby. There are way too many colors in the world to limit yourself to black or white. Question everything. Try not to see gender as something solid—it isn’t. I promise, I won’t hold you to any gender, regardless of the genitalia you’re born with. And heaven help the first Mcdonald’s employee that asks whether I want a girl’s toy or a boy’s toy with your Happy Meal.

Go Back to: Episode 3 – Infertility