Meet the author: That’s me!

Turkey Basting: Frequently Asked Questions

Okay, so now is a good time to talk about background information.

First, you should know up front I’m very blunt. I’m not going to apologize for the fact I’m a human being with human parts who does human things. I fart, I pee, I poop. I have a vagina. This is a blog about the process of having a baby. We’re going to be talking about things in my vagina. This is fair warning to my friends out there with delicate sensibilities who would prefer not to hear about things like natural human processes and medical procedures. Why the shame? Let’s talk about this ish.

In addition to bodily functions and things my doctor sticks inside me, I also intend to be very upfront about anything that happens to come up. First and foremost, it should be blindingly obvious that I don’t believe the “traditional” family is the only worthwhile family out there.

I decided quite a few years ago that I have no interest in significant others. It’s not that I’m jaded; I just know who I am. Relationships, like all potentially-good things in life, take a lot of work. It’s just not the kind of work I’m interested in pursuing. Say what you will about relationships—even the best of them come with a fair amount of crap to deal with. And that’s fine. There’s no such thing as an endeavor that doesn’t come with a downside. My thing is, the upside of relationships aren’t worth the downsides to me.

The keywords there are to me. Look, whatever works for you, whatever makes your personal life better, is none of my business. For me, I have yet to see another person’s relationship that I’m envious of. There are plenty of downsides to being perpetually single too, but guess what? For me, the positives of singledom outweigh the negatives by a huge margin. It’s a pretty simple equation, really. And a valid one.

Long story short? I’m a happily single woman. I’m not closed to the idea of coupledom. If something amazing came along, I’m not going to reject it on principle, but I don’t foresee any relationship being as great as having my life to myself.

But Kris, you loon, if you’re afraid of putting up with crap, why would you want to have a baby by yourself? Talk about a load of crap, whoa. Literally and figuratively, you know what I’m saying?

I do. But you remember the part where I said I’ve never seen another person’s relationship and wanted one myself? Well, that’s not true of parental relationships. Plenty of people have piss-poor relationships with their kids, but I’ve seen too many gorgeous parent-child relationships not to be envious. I want that in my life, and I’m ready to have it.

Okay, but even I have to admit it’s easier to have the one when you have the other.

Anyone who knows me knows I’ve never had the desire to be pregnant. I’ve been obsessed with pregnancy since I was young. I used to watch A Pregnancy Story on TLC every day after school—two episodes in a row,every day. When any of my friends are pregnant and let me touch their bellies, I’m stoked. Pregnancy is a beautiful concept when it’s happening to someone else.

Oh, yeah. Pregnancy is magical. Article found on BabyCenter.com

But let’s get real here. There’s nothing pleasant about pregnancy. Even the easiest pregnancy results in squished organs, swollen feet, and the inevitable process of birth. I already know what you’re going to say. “Feeling the baby move…” and “the connection to your baby…” And that’s all well and good, but it still doesn’t negate the mountain of potential side-effects of pregnancy.

Have I mentioned how much I hate barfing?

Plus, I’m about 175% okay with adoption. As in, I don’t need a biological connection to my child to feel like it’s my child. Adoption was my first choice, and the one I was dead set on until recently. Recently, it became apparent that adoption would be all but impossible for me. There are a lot of reasons for this I’m not going to get into now.

Suffice it to say, I’ve thought it through. For me, pregnancy is a means to an ends. I don’t expect to enjoy it. I’ll be thrilled to be proven wrong, but I’m going in thinking realistically. I do fully expect the end result will be worth the (sometimes literal) pain in the ass.

Which leads me to my first step: consulting my general practitioner. Reason for visit: I want to have a baby, and I need your help getting knocked up.

Yeah, there is no non-awkward way to say that.

Dear Baby,

Mommy’s prattled on a bit, so I’m going to keep this short and sweet.

There’s no one right way to live your life, kiddo. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Not even me. In fact, if I’m trying to tell you the ‘right’ way to live your own life, feel free to use my own words against me. Mommies have a tendency to do that—believe they know what’s best. You know, in my experience, it’s often true, but you also have to be free to make your own mistakes.

One thing I’m sure of, ducky? I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I can guarantee you even now, you weren’t one of them.

Go Back to: Episode 1 – To Kid or Not To Kid  Go Forward to: Episode 3 – Infertility?